Yes. This is about love, My year of Love. It is about the summer, the monsoon, the winter and the summer again which is on its way out. Yes it is about all the time and about how leaving all of this would see me changed. Probably forever.
The past year has been rather eventful. If its not an understatement, it has been a crisper and a summarized version of the last 6 years put together. Add in some extra weird things that I would have never done. I grew up, went back to being a kid, learnt what my nightmares can do to me and lots more. Just this time, I had a strong support that wasn't to be. Saw people talking about their goals in life passionately and behaving like crap. Saw them drifting away into silence a month later. I learnt how to smile at people and be polite even when I didn't know their last names not did I care much. Well, what is life if is not about pleasing other people?
So, I wasn't always the way I am. Not long back, something changed a part of me. Feeling the surging pain of a 5-year long break up and a bunch of friends that still are jewels to me. Days had turned smog and night, well... other stuff. And there I was, returning from a friend's house in town, drunk but somewhat in my senses, and was waiting for a cab at around midnight. I saw a man and probably his wife walking down the same road, kissing and holding hands. Did I feel awkward?? Damn yes, but somewhere, some place, I wanted that too. I wanted to be that man, have always wanted to. I would have laughed endlessly over this with friends, but it was something different. In that dim lit night and under the orange street lights, in the middle of nowhere, I saw myself alone. Starring in the loneliness and the fragrance of their perfume still fresh, I wished for something I shouldn't have.
Just days later, I got a call to discuss some internal office documents. Being the polite, well-bred brat, I offered help and kept cribbing later. But one thing caught my attention. The Voice at the other end of that phone call. It was sweet, clear, understanding and most importantly, Loving. Next on the ToDo List was to check out her profile online. Too bad, LinkedIn had none and Facebook couldn't stop the overflowing results. I dared not researching more on her even though my heart was set on the one thing that she had asked me to do. There I was feeling alone a fortnight before the call and now more so ever hopeful and eager to know someone I had never even heard of before. Was I crazy to feel for someone who was over a thousand kms away. Somehow I felt happy listening to her and it came out naturally, sometimes in the form of a glow and sometimes with a lasting smile. What was with me and the voice?? I asked myself this question a few times and had to give the voice a face. That is the second thing I shoudn't have wished for...
Both had something for each other and we kept it that way for sometime. Finally, one fine day, we happened to share photos and were excited about it. I clicked mine and sent them to her and was waited for her to do the same. But my excitement was short lived because her network was down. Getting a bit worked up and restless, I get some notification about a new mail. I didn't know if my Blackberry was playing with me or was stupid in general. This was the mail that she was trying to send to me. And when I opened it I was awe struck. Super expressive moment but I cannot put it in words. There she was, the girl who I secretly was inclined towards, smiling back from the photo with expressions that would keep me awake for a decade and a cute face. Well, you don't show your dog a bone and expect that he wouldn't come for more. Same was the case here and expectations grew towards video chatting. This would be my Third Wish...
We hit it off really well and were getting addicted to the connection we developed. Was this feeling Love or was this just another setback in motion. Was this just a friendly conversation or was there something more special to it. Though we wanted to chat on video to see how we move and react in real time, her internet was a big pain. But like all Bollywood movies, there was a new Hero... the office video team call. And blahs and blahs and more blahs about work made me impatient to see her and to make sense of my mind. Looking at the team and comparing their faces with her photo in my head, I was desperately trying to locate her with whatever I could see. Just when I thought it could have been a problem for her to come near the camera, she jumped right in front of it. Shuffling the chairs, standing tall, casually dressed, hair falling off her shoulders and glasses with a red frame. If looking at her wasn't interesting and impressive enough, she unconsciously decided to flick her hair from her cheek to behind her left ear. This kind of made me bonkers and I somewhere realized what she meant to me at the truest value. Had I found a perfect match. I saw her photo, on video, spoke to her, flirted with her and she too was indefinitely interested in me. And what do I do?? Wished for even more, I wished to meet her in person. The fourth and my deadliest wish.
This took some time but even this did happen. She returned a happy chap and we planned a longer trip. There was hope that she showed me and moved to Mumbai for work. Time had moved fast and our relation needed lots more of it. I needed something bigger... TIME. And this got a 'But' in our sweet connection. Our relation was bloated out of proportion and was bleeding emotions. True times to express ourselves were vague and rare. Ambiguity had cropped it's way in our dream house and like a perfect mother in law, decided not to leave us.
The time now just passes with an emotional menopause with a strong control on speech. Talk but still do not, Laugh but not too much, crave for the other but dare not say it. Things get crazy when your Love is questioned time and again. There is no one answer to "Why Not". Rather there are so many responses fired from your heart that the mouth has to censor it. But so is Life and Love... equally becoming subjective. You find it and if you're lucky, you may not. There is so much you leave to get to something you really Love. The reason why I talk about love is because it has come to me and rather extra-ordinarily. You learn the difference between love and friendship but cannot think of it when its time to go your ways.
When I look back at life and think about all the time I wasted just to please others… It pains. Growing out of someone is easy for a few but I dont even know them.
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